Wah, Wah, I Have Seasonal Affective Disorder

Found via The Onion, it's a funny little pity party about the winter blues.

Hey, everybody, look at me, I'm a tiny little baby who lets winter cold and an hour or two of extra darkness keep me from functioning. Boo-hoo, I've got seasonal affective disorder. All I feel like doing is sitting in my apartment, eating, and going beddy-bye because my hypothalamus can't cope with the decreased amount of daylight.

Boo-hoo, I have fewer melanopsin proteins than regular people.

Poor me, every morning I have trouble getting out of bed because it's still dark outside when I leave for work. The gray clouds and the icy slush and the brutal cold and ever-present darkness remind me of my impending doom. They magnify all my latent fears and feelings of hopelessness. Whine!

I never feel this way when Mr. Sun is shining with all his might. I wish I could slumber all winter like a bear and not even be aware of the gloomy old winter outside and wake up in April when the grass is growing and the trees are budding and the flowers are blooming. Or better yet, I wish I could live in a magical place where it's sunny and warm all year round. Then I could be happy and have fun. But, wah, I can't afford to move, so I'm forced to live in dumb old Des Moines, where the sun dies at 4:49 p.m.

Blubber-blub-blub, I've lost my social and intellectual coping mechanisms necessary to maintain my mental well-being, all because of a neurological condition over which I have no control and was afflicted with by a cruel random accident of biology. Pity poor little me! Every day between January and March is a living nightmare because I'm more psychologically vulnerable to the seasonal tilting of the planetary axis than most people—wah, wah, wah!

Well, at least I have my $300 dawn simulator. As mean Old Man Dark approaches, I stare at it for 30 whole minutes and hope that its bright artificial light will cheer me up. But boo-hoo-hoo, my serotonin levels still aren't increasing. Besides, a dawn simulator is no substitute for wonderful, glorious Mr. Sun.

Where are you, Mr. Sun? I thought you were my friend!

Boo-hoo, I'm just a self-pitying little baby with a clinically diagnosed disorder who just wants to cry all the time or stare into space. My family doesn't understand me. They don't know why I just can't pull myself together. They think I'm crazy when they catch me gazing numbly at the kitchen wall. Sob! I am unable to pick up my 3-year-old and hug her or feel any motherly joy because I lack the sufficient amount of rods and cones in my retinas.

Wahhh! Will Mr. Sun ever come out again? What if he never does? Oh, no! See, because I have seasonal affective disorder, I think about stuff like this all the time. That, and suicide!

Just because it was cloudy outside yesterday, I had a big old panic attack and had to go to the hospital. My husband had to pick me up from the emergency room, and boy was he mad. I think everybody hates me! I feel totally worthless, and that makes my seasonal affective disorder worse! Bawl!

Well, March 21 can't come fast enough. That's the first day of spring! On that day, my energy levels will magically increase because Mr. Sun is positioned above the equator. Soon the days will be longer and the sunlight shinier, and I can finally raise the shades in my bedroom and have friends again and sing and dance and play. I have the date circled on my calendar with a big smiley face saying, "Rise and shine, Sharon! It's spring! Mr. Sun is going to hug you today. You're allowed to laugh for the first time in three whole months!" It'll be the bestest day ever.

But it's still over a month away! And I can't do anything about it but curl up under the covers praying for relief to a cruel God who probably doesn't even exist. Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Poor, poor me!

The phrase check yourself before you wreck yourself comes to mind when I read this. It's easy to bitch and moan when you're feeling down in the dumps, but it's important to rein yourself in before it gets out of control.

Gymnasium Crazium

Found via corporate-casual , this is a perfect example of why being at the gym is like being in some strange alternate dimension.

Last night, at the gym (NATCH), I was doing this ab machine when a personal trainer came over. “Hey man,” he said, “do you want to do something much more effective for your abdominals?”

Uh, yeah!

So he sort of does this “come into the back room” hand motion and takes me over to the personal training station and shows me an ab exercise on the inflatable supertights powerball. So I’m trying this new exercise and he’s like “How does it feel?” and I’m like “It feels…good?” And he smiles and nods and walks away.

So I’m thinking, that is so nice of this personal trainer to give me some of his professional knowledge in order to carve my abdominals into a steel washboard made of pure aggression, when I look over and see him talking to whoever is now working out on the ab machine, asking them if they would like to know a much more effective exercise.

I realized he didn’t want to help me, HE JUST HATES THAT MACHINE SO MUCH. He wants that machine to never get used. He sits up at night being like, fucking hate that machine, I am not going to rest until everyone is using the stretchy moistball 3000 and is feeling the stretch in their abdominals, that is your starting position. That machine is totally going to eat it.

If you go to the gym enough times, you'll really start to witness some strange human behavior. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's the blood rushing away from the brain and towards those sad-looking abs.

Richard Dawkins: The God Delusion

No matter what your belief may be, there is no doubt that Richard Dawkins is a very controversial figure that strikes fear and debate in the hearts and minds of many. He is saying what many scientists have said before him but none of them were ever as organized or eloquent.

Either way, I can understand why he scares a lot of people.

The Office: Crime Drama

Here is a very well done recut trailer of one of my favorite shows on television. If it wasn't for the fact that I know every episode of this show, I probably wouldn't laugh so much.

These guys probably worked long and hard on this...THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Castro Death Party! Wooo!

Found via Fox News -

With Fidel Castro seriously ill, the city of Miami is making plans to throw a party at the Orange Bowl when the Cuban president dies.

Sweet! Leave it to the Latinos to figure out how to coincide salsa dancing with the death of the dictator. Here's my favorite part.

Several questions have to be decided. What musicians would perform? The city hopes entertainers will donate their services. How long will the event last? Hours? Days? And how much will it cost?

I'm thinking more like, how many Gloria Estefan songs am I going to have to suffer through?

"The notion of a big party, I think, should be removed from all this," Sanchez said. "Although everybody will be very happy that the dictator cannot continue to oppress us himself, I think everybody is still very sad because there are still prisons full of prisoners, many people executed, and families divided."

Obviously this guy doesn't get it. It's a party! It's just an excuse for me to finally hang up that Desi Arnaz poster I've been saving in my closet for just this occasion.

Now where did I put that Jon Secada CD...

Stripper Shoe Phone for Little Girls

Found via Gizmodo -

The YOUnivers Funk Fone only costs $19.99, which much less than little Cyndi can make when she's all growns up and stripping at Scores. Get'em when they're young, and let them lead the way.

How much you wanna bet the ringer plays Warrant's Cherry Pie?

Kitty Washing Machine

Quite possibly the most traumatizing/hilarious thing I've ever seen. I dare you not to laugh and/or cry.

Priceless Shot of the Day

Found via Dethroner. Mmmmm, cut me off a piece of that! My French sucks, can anybody translate? Aparently the top reads “One eats with pleasure…without fatigue.” What the hell does that have to do with a pig slicing himself up Hannibal Lecter style?

Hmm, maybe they mean that you won't have to worry about tiring yourself out since the pig is self-butchering. Now if they could only figure out how to do that with Foi Gras, they'd really have something on their hands.

Look at his face! He's so fucking happy!

The Douche Card

Haha! This will be my next purchase! They can be found here and they cost $5 for a pack of 25.

Uncrate said it best- "Keep a couple Douche Cards in your wallet, and the next time that dude cuts in front of you at Chipolte, hand him one and head for Burger King."

(Side note: For those of you keeping track at home, this is the second time I've used the "douche" tag for a blog posting. I'm so proud of myself.)

This Is Your Spider On Drugs

Watch this one all the way through. It seems serious at first but then it takes a turn.

Nice web, Mr. Crack Spider.

Priceless Shot of the Day

Found via Gizmodo, these things actually existed! I love how it's called a "multitool."

The Purloined Sirloin - Why is Meat the Most Shoplifted Item in America?

Found via Slate, this is an interesting article that explains how meat became the most shoplifted item and what, if anything, the supermarkets are doing to combat it.

Carts brimming with groceries, they'll stealthily slide a single tenderloin or T-bone into a coat pocket, then hit the checkout line alongside their nonlarcenous peers. In this way, millions of pounds of beef, pork, and veal disappear from supermarket shelves each year.

One interesting note is that apparently meat just recently took the throne of most misappropriated item.

Meat's dubious triumph is due in part to a law enforcement crackdown on methamphetamine use. Meat used to be the shoplifting runner-up to health-and-beauty-care items, a category that includes cough medicines containing pseudoephedrine, a key ingredient in home-cooked meth. In 2003, for example, a quarter of shoplifted products were HBCs, while meat took second place at 16 percent. But states began passing laws that require stores to move medicines containing pseudoephedrine behind secure counters. That was enough to cut the pinching of HBCs, which fell by 11 percent between 2003 and 2005.

Shh, I know what you're asking now. What are we going to prevent this plundering?

Wary about squelching impulse buys, supermarkets are instead looking for a technological deterrent to meatlifting. Mettler Toledo and Hobart, two of the nation's leading suppliers of meat-preparation equipment, have developed security-tag applicators that conceal the tag beneath the price label; walk out of the store with a purloined sirloin and an alarm will sound. To counteract more-sophisticated meatlifters who know enough to remove a steak's price label before attempting to flee, some stores are embedding security tags in the pads that soak up meat juice; try to remove the tag and you're liable to get bloody drippings all over your clothes.

Stories like this make me feel good about America. If stealing meat is one of the biggest problems we face in this nation, we must be doing pretty good for ourselves. Of course as we all know, it isn't the biggest problem we face, but can't we just pretend it is?

Priceless Shot (Comic) of the Day

You can click the image to see it clearly.

I'm scared, where the hell is Odie?

Found via The Phat Phree

Priceless Shot of the Day

This is pretty much how I felt throughout the four physics classes they made me take in college. Yes, four.

A Match Made in Barney's

Found via corporate-casual, the sheer doucheiness of this conversation/situation is priceless.

[Two guys talk to each other in the locker room at my gym. Shortly after the exchange they both head to the showers where they can continue the conversation, as well as bathe.]

Guy 1: So she’s helping me and I’m just like, Okay, if I’m going to buy something, today’s the day. Right?
Guy 2: Sure.
Guy 1: I’m like, Yeah, I need some shirts. So she helps me pick out some shirts and the total is 1400 dollars. And she’s like, How are you going to pay for this? And I pull out my black.
Guy 2: You pull out your black.
Guy 1: I couldn’t let this girl go! But then I go up to find Dana who’s on the third floor and she wants this pair of shoes so I switch for my green.
Guy 2: You need help.
Guy 1: I know.
Guy 2: She was that good?
Guy 1: Incredible.

[3 years later…]

Guy 2: When Brian told me him and Kayla were getting married, well, I couldn’t freakin’ believe it. If you had told me even two years ago that this guy was going to settle down, I would have said frick you! I’m keeping this one clean, Brian’s mom! Anyway, everyone knows how these two met, so I won’t bore you with the details, let’s just say someone had a very big, black credit limit! Ha! Brian, you’re one lucky dude. Kayla is amazing. And the two of you have the type of bond that can really endure because you each bring something different to the table. Brian, you have a lot of money, and Kayla, you know what colors compliment Brian’s skin tone. I love you guys, and I know that you two will be together for the rest of your lives because you’re just like me: fucking idiots.


Har Har. Oh, Guy 2, you're so droll. How much you wanna bet Guy 1 bought $1400 worth of striped shirts from his future bride-to-be? Either way, I'm glad he dumped that fucking Dana, she was a slut.

Now if I could only find some black spray paint...

'Burkini' Covers Muslim Women At Beach

Found via Dethroner -

A Muslim woman has designed a swimsuit that covers all for Muslim women.

In Australia, the beach is part of life. But Muslim women had to trudge through the sand in full-length dresses and robes.

But designer Aheda Zanetti said she believes her "Burkini" design will help Muslim women integrate further into Australian society.

A burka is a full-length garment worn by some Muslim women.

She also said it's also for anyone who wants to show some modesty while on the beach or protect themselves from the rays of the sun.

The Burkini is made from ultraviolet- and water-protected polyester. Unlike the bikini, it covers the whole body except for the feet, hands and face, allowing Muslim women to swim in public.

Zanetti said she has sold more than 9,000 Burkinis at $125 to $160.


Oh man, I can't wait for the Sports Illustrated Burkini Issue comes out. Of course, I'm not so sure Muslim men are going to be so hot on this, because now people will be able to tell how big Jezebelle's gifts from Allah are.

I just don't see these Burkinis as being Halal.

Chinese Teen Kills Self Over Ugly Blind Date

Found via Dethroner -

A 17-year-old boy in northeastern China was so disappointed with the looks of a woman he met over the Internet that he hanged himself after seeing her face-to-face, state media reported Friday.

The unnamed teenager first contacted the woman -- known by her chat moniker "Qunjiaofeiyang", or "Flying Skirt" -- using the popular Chinese online messaging software QQ, Xinhua news agency said.

The girl described herself as a beautiful 19-year-old and the pair chatted on the Web for weeks before arranging a December 26 rendezvous in the nearby city of Mudanjiang, in far northeastern Heilongjiang province.

The boy arrived to discover the woman far less attractive than advertised and 10 years older than him, Xinhua said.

The boy immediately returned home, lost his appetite, and four days later hanged himself from a tree.


Well, obviously this guy had more issues going on than simply his dating choices. But it does leave me curious to know what "far less attractive than advertised" looks like.

Look at My Striped Shirt!

OK, here's another favorite from The Phat Phree. It's the title essay from their book Look At My Striped Shirt!.

Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!

My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!

I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!

I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!

I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!

I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!

I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!

I will valet tonight!

I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!

I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"!

When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!

I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!

I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!

When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!

I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!


"I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal!"

Best Concert Ever

So first they opened up with some mean electronic sounds..BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP but then it evolved into some deep percussion N TS N TS N TS N TS fused with some mean palm-muted guitar riffs DUN DUN DUN DUN DUUUUHHHH DUN DUN.

Finally resulting in to one of the meanest guitar solos I've ever heard NEER NEER NEER EEEEOOOOOEEEEEOOOOO NEER NEER.

The crowd went ape-shit HHHHHHHHHHH. It was fucking awesome.

I guess you had to be there.

John Oliver: George Bush = Abraham Lincoln

The eerie similarities!

Women "Advertise" Fertility

Found via Slashdot -

A study found that women take greater care over their appearance when they are at peak levels of monthly fertility. The researchers took two photos of each of 30 women, one near ovulation and one at the other end of her cycle. They then showed the paired photos (with faces obscured) to a group of observers, who were asked to judge in which photo the women were trying to look more attractive. The observers chose the "high fertility" subject nearly 60% more of the time than would be expected by chance

So, what you're telling me is that next time I see a woman and think to myself, "whoa, she's just asking for it," you mean she really IS asking for it? Or maybe that's just me :)

I wonder how this relates to how attractive a woman actually feels? Are they taking better care of their appearance because they feel sexier? Or are they compensating for the fact that they don't feel very appealing at all?

Teen Accurately Describes Art Exhibit As 'Gay'

They grow up so fast.

Found via The Onion -

DETROIT—Despite having viewed only a single Robert Mapplethorpe photograph of a pink orchid during a class trip to the Detroit Institute of Arts yesterday, 14-year-old Greg Callahan accurately characterized the deceased artist's work as "totally frigging gay." "Art is for homos, and this museum is for homos, and this guy is obviously a homo," said Callahan, correctly identifying Mapplethorpe's sexual orientation without reading his biography. "I'll be in the stupid café." Though he refused to observe any of their work, Callahan added that the rest of the artists featured in the "Perspectives On Perspective" exhibit—including David Hockney, Andy Warhol, Pablo Picasso, and Hannah Gluckstein—were all gay as well, a claim which was 75 percent correct.

Note: A bit off topic but here's a tip for you folks out there in the blogosphere. If you're ever looking for an image to use for a blog entry that has anything to do with homosexuality, don't go to Google Image Search and type in the word "gay". In retrospect this should have been a no-brainer.

Followup: Norbit vs MPAA

Found via Cinema Blend, here's a followup to everybody's favorite movie starring a black man in a fat-lady costume. As it turns out, Eddie Murphy and friends are battling the Motion Picture Association of America over the rating the movie was given.

The MPAA's censors say the movie deserves an R, due to sex-related humor. Either sex or the F word are almost always their fallback position. The folks funding Norbit know that in order to maximize the amount of money they can get out of the film they need a PG-13. An R-rating limits their audience and (theoretically anyway) keeps out brain dead teens who might actually think Eddie Murphy in a fat suit is something original.

Apparently this couldn't have come at a worse time for Charlie Murphy's brother considering there is, foolishly, Oscar buzz surrounding his work in Dream Girls.

Either way, here's hoping Norbit gets released to the theatres in a timely fashion. That way I can get on with my life and pretend this whole thing never happened.

Welcome to Every Date Ever

Found via The Phat Phree, this is an excerpt from their book, Look at My Striped Shirt! It is a collection of essays written by some funny writers. Also, thanks to Debbye for finding the book for me. I'm going to post this in its entirety for you to enjoy.

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

My favorite line - "I fucking love candles!"

Crazy Wikipedia Find of the Day

I don't know about you, but I can spend ALL DAY trolling through the pages of Wikipedia to find all sorts of crazy and absurdly-verbose entries.

Here is one for you. It's a whole Wikipedia entry dedicated to the comb over. You know, that thing that Donald Trump has to make his wife do for him every morning. Anyway, as it turns out the comb over was patented in 1977 and the picture you see here is the drawing that was submitted to the U.S. patent office.

God Bless America.

Further Proof that February is the Worst Month for Movies

Found via Corporate-Casual -

This could possibly be the most ironic tag-line for a movie. Do these movies actually make money or are the production studios obligated to release at least 20 shitty movies every year as a public service due to FCC regulations?

I believe the folks over at Corporate-Casual said it best.

...refusing to turn their backs on the people who got them to where they are in the first place, people who just think Eddie Murphy as a big fat lady doing fat things with her fat body is hilar-i-fucking-lous so more of that please thanks.

Priceless Shot of the Day

This sad little t-shirt can be found on ThinkGeek.com. It really makes you feel sorry for little Pluto. If anybody is curious, it's a crisp -369 F morning on the planet today. Don't forget to wear your long johns!

Inventor of Ramen Noodles Dead at 96

Found via Dethroner -

He was inspired to develop the world’s first instant noodle product after coming across a long line of people waiting to buy fresh “ramen” noodles from a black market stall during the food shortages after World War Two, Japanese media said.

After his Chicken Ramen product became hugely popular in 1958, despite a luxury price-tag of 35 yen, he went on to bring out the Cup Noodle in 1971.

My favorite was the bit of commentary by the Dethroner guys.

Rumors that Momofuku will be dessicated, seasoned, and buried in a shrink-wrapped Styrofoam coffin for later reconstitution are tasteless and rubbery.

I'm sure I'm not the only one, but there was a time where I practically lived off Ramen noodles. There should be a national college-dorm-room holiday for this man. R.I.P. Momofuku, oh, and don't forget to keep the lid on his coffin for at least three minutes to let him soften.

After 32 Years Without One, Man Buys TV

Here's a very interesting article via NY Times.
Aparently this man has not owned a television since 1974 and bought a brand new 40-inch Sony flat panel for christmas. Some of his observations are priceless:

Every other show is “CSI.”

Television sounds loud at any volume.

Karaoke is a cherished plot device.

PBS is even more serious in HD.

Last Thursday night, on “Smallville,” Clark Kent told an alien just landed on Earth, “Wherever you’re from, go back.” She replied, “I can’t.”

I know exactly how she felt.

After communication with a few experts, they let him know what he was in for.

“You shift time to the television,” said Annie Lang, a professor of telecommunications at Indiana University. “If you start watching television, there’s something else you’re not doing. Who knows what you were doing before?” Reading, seeing friends, bonding with partners, theater, film, restaurants — toast.

In my case, I wasn't doing anything before. I was always watching television, always have, probably always will. Here's another a little analysis I found amusing.

As I got ready to turn the crowd of voices off, stand up and go to bed, I skipped through a few quick channels (the remote has an incredibly light trigger), and decided to watch an episode of “Sex and the City” instead. It felt like reaching for the last beer in the fridge. In rerun, Carrie Bradshaw sounds like she’s imitating Sarah Jessica Parker, someone who became famous to me as Carrie Bradshaw, in a show I’d never seen.


Like much of the American public, I don't know of a time without television, it's as commonplace as milk in a bowl of cereal. I don't know about the rest of you, but it's hard for me to even remember a single day in which I did not watch at least a little television. And now with TiVo, the amount of control I have over my content has skyrocketed.

Some say that television has ruined our culture to the point where we've all become a bunch of ignorant slobs, and while that might be true in some cases, I believe television has done a lot of good in the way of spreading information in an efficient, stimulating way. Obviously "Teh Interweb" it certainly better at this, but television has been at it for decades already.

What do you think?

Priceless Shot of the Day

Good riddance.

The Tackiest Way To Dump Someone

This is going to make my life so much easier. I can't wait to try it out. I wonder what kind of automatic messages they have to choose from.

"It's not you, it's me."
"I'm getting married, c-ya."
"She's got bigger breasts."
"I'm a jew."