A Bowl of Sex Mix

Found via corporate-casual, here is a hilarious exchange caught between two party-goers.

Worker #3116: How come there’s never sex at these parties?
K-Gov: …
Worker #3116: Seriously.
K-Gov: …
Worker #3116: I’m serious. They need to have more sex at these parties.
K-Gov: …
Worker #3116: You know, food sex.
K-Gov: Sure.

[Later]

Worker #3116: I’m not kidding about the sex thing.
K-Gov: Sex?
Worker #3116: S-N-A-C-K-S.
K-Gov: OH! SNACKS! I thought you were saying “sex.”
Worker #3116: I even qualified it. I said “food snacks”.
K-Gov: Yeah, but I thought you said “food sex,” which is weird.
Worker #3116: What is food sex?
K-Gov: I don’t know. It sounds good.
Worker #3116: Well, they can have that, too, but I’m seriously starving.

Human Evolution Explained in Nine Frames

Found via UNEASYSilence.

Turning In My Man Card

I know this is a serious Man Law violation, but come on, it's a little kitten!!!! Found via Cute Overload, I just wanna eat him.



Oh, and if you've never been to CuteOverload.com before--bookmark it. It will quickly become one of your most beloved places on the web.

New Sex Campaign Talks In Rebus

Found via Wired, apparently it's 2007 and people still haven't learned to talk about sex with young people. Newest fad? Rebus! You know, like that old Concentration game show. Oh brother. Anyway, here's a funny little rant from Wired--

I am puzzled by this rebus, commissioned by Planned Parenthood to educate teens about sex as part of their Real Life, Real Talk campaign. The first picture is obviously a home. It is then joined to a hose. Add an 'x' and the trailer trash pronoun of choice "y'all" and what do you have?

HOME HO SEX Y'ALL

Which is really the last place you'd bring a ho, especially if your parents are around. I kid, of course. Apparently, the rebus is actually meant to read HOME+HOSE+X+Y'ALL = Homosexual.

Let me ask a serious question here: how is talking in frickin' cipher supposed to facilitate open communication between teens and their parents about sex? I suppose these rebuses would be an excellent way of facilitating dialogue between Alan Turing and his boy, but if I can't figure it out without stretching plausible phonemics to the thickness of a superstring, how is your average teenager?

This is the standard stupid mistake most agencies make to promote sexual dialogue by parents and teens: assuming that somehow, the problem is it isn't "hip" enough for kids. What could be hipper to a teenager than screwing? That's not the problem. The problem is on the parental side.

Which is silly. Talking to your kids about sex is easy. You sit them down. You take a deep breath. And then you verbally acknowledge that they are fellow humans and, as such, are sexual creatures. As long as you aren't ashamed, your kids won't be.

Blog Update!!!

This one's for all my homies out there. I've added a new section to md.b.c (that's my new nickname for it) and I've unimaginatively called it my Fun/Interesting Articles section and you should be able to see it on the right-side of the page, just under my beautiful mug.

As many of you guys know, I read a LOT of stuff and when I come across stuff that I deem to be gold, I blog about it. But sometimes I'll come across an article that I think is interesting, but not quite juicy enough for me to put the effort into blogging about it.

So anyway, through the power of Blogger and Google Reader, I'm able to instantly share some of this info with those of you who are looking for compelling reading with which you may pass the time.

From the "No Shit" Dept.: Teens Like Porn

Found via UNEASYSilence, the University of Alberta delved into the deepest darkest secrets of teenagers.

A total of 429 students aged 13 and 14 from 17 urban and rural schools across Alberta, Canada, were surveyed anonymously about if, how and how often they accessed sexually explicit media content on digital or satellite television, video and DVD and the Internet. Ninety per cent of males and 70 per cent of females reported accessing sexually explicit media content at least once. More than one-third of the boys reported viewing pornographic DVDs or videos “too many times to count”, compared to eight per cent of the girls surveyed.

A majority of the students, 74 per cent, reported viewing pornography on the Internet. Forty-one per cent saw it on video or DVD and 57 per cent reported seeing it on a specialty TV channel. Nine per cent of the tens reported they accessed pornography because someone over 18 had rented it; six per cent had rented it themselves and 20 per cent viewed it at a friend’s house.

My favorite part is where it says 90% of males reported accessing porn at least once. Do you know what that tells me? 10% of males lied.

Marmaduke Is An Asshole

Found via CollegeHumor, I give you the fantastic blog entitled Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke (In 500 Words Or Less). Never have I witnessed such a well-focused blog. It says it all in the title! Here's a taste:

Marmaduke is trying to let his owner-lady know that he wants to fuck her. His innuendo may seem blunt and crude, but in his defense, he is a dog.

Rapture Wreaks Havoc On Local Book Club

I love how The Onion can get away with such edgy satire in such a matter-of-fact style. They're the best at what they do. Anyway, this made me laugh out loud:

MARION, IN—Following last week's rapture, which transported four members of the Marion Mockingbirds Book Club to heaven in order to be with Jesus Christ, the three remaining members have reportedly been scrambling to maintain a regular Wednesday meeting schedule as well as the usual coffee-and-pastry rotation.

"It's a shame because I think Shirley had the most stimulating opinions, and I was really looking forward to hearing what she'd have to say about [Fannie Flagg's Standing In The Rainbow] right before her ascension," said club member Diane Valinsky Monday. "And we were supposed to meet at Lucas' house this week, but I guess that's out now, seeing as the armies of Satan are on the march."

Valinsky said she and the remaining members were not surprised that the Antichrist turned out to be Mitch Albom, calling his latest fiction effort, For One More Day, "disappointing."

Priceless Shot of the Day

Found via Dvorak Uncensored, here is the caption:

A float depicting U.S. President George W. Bush being spanked by the Statue Of Liberty passes by during the Rose Monday carnival parade in Mainz, western Germany, on Monday, Feb. 19, 2007. Thousands of spectators attended the traditional street carnival parade in the state of Rhineland-Palatinates’s capital.


I don't know if this says more about Bush or the kinky sexual fantasies of the German public. But, as I always say--when in doubt, go with the kinky.

I Guess You'll Do

Yet another golden find over at the Phat Phree. They really know how to sum up our lives in short bursts of too-close-to-home prose. Here it is, in its entirety.

Hey, you, Some Guy. It’s me, Some Girl. I guess we might as well have a life together. We’re on a schedule here. I’m in my mid to late twenties; you’re two years older than me. We’re at about the same level of attractiveness. We have comparable educations. I need to mate, and you’ll probably do as well as anyone else. Let’s begin this typical courtship process, shall we?

You want sex? Fine. Roll around on me for a while. Whatever gets this moving. Are you done? Good. Now go tell your friends about it. And have a good time, you won’t be seeing much of them any more.

I guess we should go to some movies and maybe a concert or two. That was nice. Now let’s get in a fight and then make up. Good. Now let’s go camping. While camping, let’s take some pictures of us camping that we can hang up in our cubicles to remind us of the time we went camping. That will be a cherished memory.

Okay, I guess it’s time to move into an apartment together that’s about ten miles away from my parents’ house. Let’s live in this apartment for a year. Let’s go to a Memorial Day barbecue at my parents’ house. Good. Okay, time to get married.

When you propose, don’t try to do anything cute like putting the ring in my wine glass or having a sports mascot bring it to me at a ball game. It’s all been done before, and you are not a very creative person. It would probably just come off as cheesy and forced. Just get down on a knee and get it over with. New Year’s Eve works fine for me.

Our wedding will take place a year-and-a-half from your proposal. It doesn’t really take that long to set up a wedding; I just want to relish the fact that we are getting married for as long as I possibly can. During that time, I will be the center of attention. Sadly, this will be the highlight of my life. I have no aspirations to write a great book that will change the way people think, I don’t want to travel the world and witness the majesty and diversity of foreign lands, I don’t want to dedicate my life to intellectual or philosophical pursuits in an attempt to take my mind places that no one has ever gone- I just want to look skinnier in my dress than my bridesmaids. Okay, that’s done.

After the wedding, I will take a year to reflect upon the wedding. I will send thank-you notes, watch the wedding video countless times with whomever will sit through it with me, and show people pictures from the wedding that they have no interest in seeing.

Soon, everyone will tire of my wedding talk and I will no longer be the center of attention. It is time for us to buy a house, so that I have something else to talk about. It will be a three-bedroom ranch home with a semifinished basement.

You will turn the basement into a rec room with a bar. This will be pointless, as you will rarely see your friends any more, and when you do, they will have neither the desire nor the time to go down and drink in our basement because they’ll have mated too. Your masculine rec room will soon be cluttered with children's toys and my infrequently-used exercise equipment.

When people stop talking to me about our house, I will decide that we should have kids. I will take the fun out of sex by incorporating science and scheduling our intimacy around my ovulation cycle. We will conceive.

When I am pregnant, I will have something to talk to people about again, and everyone will pay attention to me. I will act as if I am the first pregnant person ever. Eventually, I will give birth, just as billions have done before me.

Our children will be adequate, but not spectacular. You will want them to be athletes, but they will lack the size and skill. I will want them to be creative but they will lack the talent and drive. Despite this, they will eventually mate, too.

We will move into a larger house to accommodate our growing family. You will build a deck off the back of the house that we will use twice a summer. We will briefly contemplate an above-ground pool but in the end will decide against it, citing cost and practicality.

There will be several dogs.

We will vacation. Myrtle Beach will be our destination of choice, though we will be no strangers to Orlando.

Our kids will leave and we will move into a condo, citing cost and practicality. We will retire. Now the waiting truly begins.

Our children will provide us with unremarkable grandchildren. We will photograph them and discuss them at length.

You will die of heart complications. Your funeral will be relatively well-attended and will last for just over an hour. Following it, some of us will go back to the condo where there will be a tray of cold cuts for sandwiches.

I will remain for eight more years, watching television and slipping away into dementia. I will die. Doctors will call it natural causes, but in reality, I will have semiconsciously willed myself to stop breathing out of boredom and defeat. It will be done.

You can pick me up at eight.
---

"Now let’s go camping. While camping, let’s take some pictures of us camping that we can hang up in our cubicles to remind us of the time we went camping. That will be a cherished memory." LOL.

Dalvin & Holly

Found via Dethroner, click the image to see it clearly.


Ahh, innocence. Too bad getting caught with your imaginary friend isn't as cute when you're in your twenties ;)

Shoes.

Found via Dethroner- You know this was written by a guy because this is exactly how men think women really are. Don't be angry, you know it's true. Oh, and give the video a minute, it really starts kickin after the first 60 seconds or so. Then you're going to want to watch it over and over and over again. Case in point--it's been viewed over 11 million times on YouTube.

Rubik's Cube for the Lazy (PSotD)

The Astoria Notes

This has to be one of the most fascinating and entertaining things I've come across in a long time. The Astoria Notes is a true story about a man and his correspondence with his crazy, but somehow still intriguing, neighbor. It's too long for me to post here but I suggest you click on the link I just gave you and check it out for yourself. Here's a little snippet.

My first year in New York, I lived on the top floor of an old building in Astoria, Queens, with rotted wood floors that creaked every time I took a step. I didn’t mind so much, because my schedule was so hectic I was rarely home. I got up early every day to get to my job by 9:00 a.m. I was happy to work in a photo studio, but it didn’t pay enough to survive in this town. So at 5:30 p.m. each day I left the studio and went to a bookstore across town, where I worked until 12:15 a.m. in order to make ends meet (and another 8 hours on Sundays). By the time I got back to Queens every night, hopefully before 1:30 a.m., I was beat. I’d take an hour to wind down before finally going to bed, getting a few hours sleep, and starting over.

One night, I came home to find the first in a series of notes slipped under my door. Small writing filled both sides of a sheet of loose leaf paper. I didn’t know what to make of it. The note began, “Dear Neighbor. When you arrive late every night, you are probably concentrating on your chores and don’t realize that this building, this street, the traffic, the people are all very still, very quiet.” The care and craftsmanship that went into writing this note was beyond anything I’d ever heard of from an angry neighbor. I continued reading.

Click here read the rest...

Priceless Shot of the Day

Saying I Luv U 2 For Valentine's Day

Found via Techdirt, the Daily Herald delves into the death of literate romance. In other words, "love letters ain't what they used to be."

While young correspondents have committed their deepest feelings to paper for centuries, the latest generation of lovers is coming of age along with new technologies that let them court each other on the run. The passionate essays penned on Valentine's Days past have morphed into bursts of instant-message affection. Confessions once sealed in envelopes are now dashed off in e-mail.

But it's not all doom and gloom. There are obvious benefits.

Shelley Fulghum, a 25-year-old event planner in Atlanta, cites the portability factor. "I'm not going to carry a stack of love letters in my purse," she says. "But it's easy to save my boyfriend's text messages on my cell, and I can look at them whenever I need to cheer up."

But, of course, there are still those who choose to show off their cursive skills.

Chaim Sigler, 22, is still finding his way to the mailbox. He lives in Detroit and his girlfriend, Aliza Becker, 20, lives in Chicago. Each Tuesday, he mails her a love letter or poem he's written for her. "I'm an old-school romantic," he says.

I guess there is something to be said for the old fashioned pen-to-paper love letter. And while I'm sure women and men would probably get more excited to see a pretty-smelling letter come in the mail rather than just another text message, I've got TiVo full of Scrubs and Daily Show episodes, I don't have that kinda time! Give a guy a break!

Ringtones That Ruin Romance

Found via UNEASYsilence, the folks over at Shiny Shiny have compiled a list of some cell phone ringtones that are sure to ruin the mood this Valentine's Day. Is there anything missing?

Women’s Turn Offs

1) Mr Lover Man
2) I Wanna Sex You Up
3) I’m Too Sexy
4) The Great Escape
5) Match Of The Day
6) The ‘A’ Team
7) Banana Splits theme
8) Benny Hill theme
9) Crazy Frog
10) Mr Boombastic

Men’s Turn Offs

1) My Heart Will Go On
2) Angels
3) A Moment Like This
4) Eastenders theme
5) Everything I Do
6) You’re Beautiful
7) Crazy Frog
8) Barbie Girl
9) I Will Always Love You
10) Uptown Girl

Art Frahm: The Problematic Underwear Collection

Found via Dethroner, I came across this art collection from a guy named Art Frahm. According to wikipedia his "pinups" were quite the rage in the 1940's-1960's. An artistic style similar to Norman Rockwell, Frahm used his talents for post WWII softcore porn. After some careful *ahem* researching it becomes very self-evident that all of his pieces have three things in common-- a woman, a grocery bag with celery in it, and gravity. I'll let Dethroner take care of the rest:

The ’50s were a great era for soft-core smut. We were the heroes of WWII, gazing skyward with hopes of flying cars. We had abundant work for everyone and limitless fuel for our big badass automobiles. Rock and roll was being born, and everything was sexy. Ah, god bless sweeping generalizations, but it was the innocence of the age that made the barest hints of the risqué so exciting. Unlike today when the source of Firecrotch Lohan’s namesake pops up on the cell phones of twelve year olds, in the ‘50s, it was the suggestion of sex that was titillating, not the excesses of the vulgar.

Questions Couples' Wish They'd Asked Before Saying 'I Do'

Found via Lifehacker, the New York Times has made a list of questions couples should ask each other before getting hitched. Some of them are easier to answer than others but Lifehacker points out they missed one of the more important questions--"Toilet paper - over or under?" Another question I would like to add is, "Are we going to have pets? HOW MANY?" Here is the complete article.

Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Lincoln as a Young Man?

This was found via Dethroner. I have never seen this before but apparently this daguerreotype was purchased by Albert Kaplan in 1977 from a gallery in New York. It was originally called "Portrait of a Young Man." I didn't know this, but Lincoln was kicked in the head by a horse at a young age and may have suffered some serious cranial damage. I don't think anybody will ever know for sure if the picture is, in fact, of Lincoln but the possibility is intriguing in and of itself.

Perhaps Detroner said it best:

As a child, Abraham Lincoln got kicked in the face by a horse. Decades later, he invented the Lincoln Town Car, which obviated riding on horseback. Do you hear what I’m saying, floor of my mother’s mobile home?

First Kiss Tips

Found via Dethroner, it is one blogger's take on what to do in that magical moment during a date where you finally get a chance to realize how bad their breath is. Here is the most valuable step.

6. Using the thumbs of both your hands, press them into your date’s mouth and pry her jaw open. Then lock your lips in a vacuum seal against your date’s. Don’t insert your tongue - if your grip fails at this point, she may snap her teeth shut. Instead, inhale deeply. She will go limp as the breath is sucked out of her, making her a passive recipient to the full power of your kiss. Push your entire tongue into her mouth, licking every single surface therein. Finish the kiss off by pushing your tongue at least an inch past her uvula - this will provide you a natural break-away point as she begins to gag.

Priceless (see Tasteless) Shot of the Day

Top 10 Reasons Men Don't Want Sex

OK, so this isn't exactly a funny list. It's from WebMD , found via Dvorak Uncensored, and it lists the most common reasons why men may not want sex.

Men always want sex. Right? Wrong. I have often heard the sexual partner of a man say, "My mate doesn't want to have sex. What's wrong with him? Don't all men want sex?" That's a common misunderstanding and it's based on the mistaken belief that men are wired to want sex most times they can get it.

Here's a list of ten common reasons why men may not want sex:

1. Medications. Antidepressants (SSRI-type) and antihypertensives (blood pressure medication) are often the culprit when a man has a lowered interest in sexual activity. These can also cause sexual dysfunction.

2. Lack of sleep. When a man is in his teens or twenties, the opportunity to have sex will often overwhelm the desire to sleep. This is often true also when a relationship is brand new. But, as people and relationships age, sex can lose its compelling nature and a good night's rest can be quite tempting.

3. Hormonal levels. The most important physiological stimulant of sexual desire is testosterone. Many men are mistakenly sent to have a blood test for total testosterone when low libido is the issue. While that information might be interesting to know to have a full picture of a man's hormonal levels, knowing the free testosterone level is much more relevant to how much sex he desires. Also, too much prolactin and SHBG (sex hormone binding globulin) can suppress sexual desire. So when a hormonal reason is suspected, these are the blood tests to have (in order of importance): free testosterone, prolactin, SHBG, and total testosterone.

4. Identity issues. When men feel uncertain about their role in the world, their desire for sex can dwindle. Depression may be linked to this, but isn't always. Identity issues can crop up when: he has issues at work or is out of work, faces the death of an important family member, becomes disheartened about a formerly held strong belief, and questions his understanding of his own sexual orientation -- to name a few.

5. Turn-off to aspects of the sex. Some men will turn away from sex rather than have sex that is not fulfilling to them. Lack of fulfillment can be related to specific things that his partner does during sex or how he experiences his partner's body. He may feel criticized or treated unfairly. It may just seem like too much "work." He may have sexual interests that he knows or fears his partner may not share.

6. Disagreements with one's mate. When there are interpersonal difficulties between the members of a couple, many men will avoid sex or just plain refuse their partner's advances. Some men punish their partner by withholding sex, but for others it's not a matter of punishment, they just cannot muster sexual feelings when there are unresolved conflicts.

7. Stress. Stress comes in many forms and may stem from: financial difficulties, personal or family member illness, challenges at work, parenting dilemmas, and issues involving extended family members. Of course, there are many more sources of stress.

8. Masturbation that replaces partnered sex. This is a hot topic since the advent of the Internet. It seems to some researchers in this field that many men who might not have sought out other sources of visual sexual stimulation (magazines, videos, movies) have found their way to locate sexual imagery online. For some couples, this can be a dilemma, particularly when the viewing of the images leads to masturbation, that then leads to less partnered sex. Less partnered sex feels like a blessing to some, but to others it is a frustrating and disappointing outcome.

9. Fear of intimacy. Some men have relationships with their romantic partner that resemble that of siblings. The contact that they experience in their relationship takes the intimacy level up so high that adding sexual intimacy on top of that feels like an overload. Though it may be difficult to imagine that a person could have too much intimacy, it is the hunch of many sex experts today that this is a very common cause of declining sexual frequency in couples.

10. Difficulties functioning sexually. Many men who have an erection dysfunction or believe that they ejaculate too soon -- or too late (if at all), will avoid having sex with their partner. Rather than face what feels like another experience of "failure" in our performance-obssessed culture, these men choose to avoid being sexual at all.

Louis C.K. - Fat Cookies

Currently my favorite comedian, he's always there when I need a good laugh. Here's a clip from his HBO special, Shameless.

Nick Cave and P.J. Harvey

This goes out to my old coworker Sasha who introduced me to Nick Cave about a year ago. It's a song called Henry Lee off of Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds, Murder Ballads and it has to be one of the most passionate music videos I've seen in a while.

Neither one of these two are what you would call "classically beautiful," but they both make it work, somehow. If I ever had to grow out a mullet, I want one just like Nick Cave's.

Creepy (see Tasteless) Vintage Valentines

Found via Dethroner, here are a couple examples of some of the truly horrible Valentine's Day Cards of the past.

50 Things You'll Never Hear

Brought to you by the fabulous folks at the Phat Phree. Here are a few of my favorites.

"David Schwimmer is so hot! I just wish he looked more Jewish."

"I could eat the shit outta some beets right now!"

"I'm going to kick that guy's ass after I finish my Mike's Hard Lemonade."

"Any of you nuns got some blow?"

"Sex with two girls at once?! Gross!"

"Sunnis...Shiites...We're all the same."

"Confederate flag tattoo or rainbow flag tattoo? Both?"

"Do you sell O'Douls by the keg?"

From the "Are you F@#king Kidding Me?" Files

Aparently this is for real. A clip from a short film called Rumspringa! The Musical which won best picture at the 2006 University of Minnesota, Morris student film festival. It's about an Amish girl who loves a robot. I shit you not. And it's quite possibly the most hilariously dreadful thing I've ever seen.

Warning: It gets a little dirty in the middle. I think I saw a knee.

Man Bets Wife in Card Game, Loses

Found via Dvorak Uncensored, this story is pretty self explanatory with a hilarious twist.

A Russian man lost his wife in a game of cards after putting her up as a stake instead of cash.

Andrei Karpov from Murmansk had run out of money in a game of poker and offered his opponent his wife instead of cash to stay in the game.

When he lost the game and his opponent Sergey Brodov turned up to claim his winnings his wife Tatiana was so angry she decided to divorce her husband and started a relationship with Brodov.

Need an easy way of getting out of that horrible relationship? Bet them away! Haha! Only in Ameri....err....Russia.