Cheating Husband Prank Call

Thanks to Jeremy for the link. If you ever want to find out the truth, this is what you do. NOTE: You might want to put your headphones on for this one, there is some loud profanity.

Cheating Husband Prank Call - The best bloopers are here

Rules for Chipping In, Splitting Checks, Buying Drinks

I'm always curious to know what's the best etiquette for certain "split purchase" scenarios, so this article was an interesting read.

There are unwritten rules (until now!) with regard to chipping in some cash for a BBQ, how much of a gift you should get for housewarmings, weddings, etc; and many of the multitude of events you’ll likely attend now that you’re an upstanding member of the community. In general, you want to pay your own way and not be the jerk people talk about when they BS around the campfire. If you bought 8 drinks and the $25 entree at lunch and everyone else stayed sober, don’t offer to split the check or someone will want to split your lip. Don’t be the guy that’s always at other people’s houses drinking their beers. Don’t be the guy that throws in a ten on a meal that cost $9.75.

The Basic Rule:
It worked in Hammurabi’s day and it works today - an eye for an eye. You always pay your way, you always get people back, you never take advantage of someone else’s generosity, and always err on the side of paying too much and never on the side of paying too little. It’s okay to forget sometimes, especially if drinking is involved, and most people won’t count one for one but we all recognize trends and who seems to be a little tighter than the rest.

Buying Rounds:
We all know the guy who will gladly take a beer but can’t find his wallet later on during the night. If you don’t want to drink, gently decline and you’re off the hook. If you want to buy your own, gently decline. If you take someone else’s offering, be sure to get them back sometime during the night. You’d think this would go without saying but… it doesn’t.

Dining Out:
The whole idea of splitting a restaurant bill only works if everyone pretty much got the same priced thing, plus or minus a few dollars. While I’ve never personally been in the situation where there was ever a disparity past like three dollars, I’ve heard stories from people that have. Listen guy who got the lobster when everyone else got turkey sandwiches, don’t suggest they split the check. You look like a jerk for saving ten bucks. Splitting the check isn’t an opportunity to save money, it’s an opportunity to save some time.

Carpools, Rides:
Carpooling to something? The national average for gas is in the $3 range so it’s certainly not cheap, be sure to offer to chip in a few dollars to help pay for hauling your sorry behind from A to B. Sometimes it might be worth it to just fork over five or ten (whatever you think it costs to drive to the place, divided by the people and then add a few dollars) without asking, if the driver refuses then offer again; if they still refuse, thank them politely and buy them a drink sometime.

Parties, BBQs:
First, ask the host if they want you to bring anything. If they say no, ask them they want you to bring beer or wine. If they still say no, look for a tip jar or something when you show up and throw in what you think you’re eating and drinking. If there isn’t one, remember to invite them to your party or BBQ the next time around and don’t ask them to bring something. If they say yes to anything, do that and you’re done.

Group Gifts:
This all depends on how much you make but I think that $20 is always a safe number (or whatever that safe number is in your circles) when it comes to chipping in a few dollars for a housewarming or a boatwarming or a whatever gift. Don’t be that jerk that throws in a fiver and thinks it’s all good because it’s not (unless it’s a bicycle warming).

Wedding Gifts:
Consider how much it likely costs the lucky couple for you to attend their event and give them a gift that’s commensurate to that cost, adjusting up if they’re close friends. If you have no idea how much you think it costs, the safest number is $100 (which won’t be that far off). For example, if you’re invited to a wedding where you’re the date, spring for something about how much you think the wedding cost them. If you have been great friends with the bride or groom for many many years, get them something a little (or a lot) nicer.

These rules are of course just guidelines that you should adjust for your group’s financial picture. My friends all have full time jobs and so these rules and their dollar amounts are good enough, if you’re in college then you probably want to adjust some of the numbers down a little. Scratching together a hundred dollars for a wedding gift is much harder for someone in college than someone with a job and everyone understands this. Also, $100 may make sense in Baltimore and in most places, but perhaps not in Manhattan.

Ultimately, the general rule still applies regardless of where you are, pay your own way and don’t take advantage.

Via Bargaineering.com

Priceless Shot of the Day

via coolest gadgets

Scary Honduras Landing

So apparently this is the normal approach for this Honduran international airport since there are mountains in the way, but it still doesn't keep me from being scared shitless just looking at it. I would imagine the g-forces involved for a simple commercial flight aren't for the faint of heart.



via Dvorak Uncensored

15 Reasons Mr. Rogers was the Best Neighbor Ever

Found via mental_floss, as much as some people would like to believe Mr. Rogers was truly evil inside, it turns out he was a genuinely good human being. So many of us still have much to learn from this man. Here's the full list. I especially enjoyed the story about the car thieves.

1. Even Koko the Gorilla loved him
Most people have heard of Koko, the Stanford-educated gorilla who could speak about 1000 words in American Sign Language, and understand about 2000 in English. What most people don’t know, however, is that Koko was an avid Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood fan. As Esquire reported, when Fred Rogers took a trip out to meet Koko for his show, not only did she immediately wrap her arms around him and embrace him, she did what she’d always seen him do onscreen: she proceeded to take his shoes off!

2. He Made Thieves Think Twice
According to a TV Guide piece on him, Fred Rogers drove a plain old Impala for years. One day, however, the car was stolen from the street near the TV station. When Rogers filed a police report, the story was picked up by every newspaper, radio and media outlet around town. Amazingly, within 48 hours the car was left in the exact spot where it was taken from, with an apology on the dashboard. It read, “If we’d known it was yours, we never would have taken it.”

3. He Watched His Figure to the Pound!
274149.jpg In covering Rogers’ daily routine (waking up at 5; praying for a few hours for all of his friends and family; studying; writing, making calls and reaching out to every fan who took the time to write him; going for a morning swim; getting on a scale; then really starting his day), writer Tom Junod explained that Mr. Rogers weighed in at exactly 143 pounds every day for the last 30 years of his life. He didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, didn’t eat the flesh of any animals, and was extremely disciplined in his daily routine. And while I’m not sure if any of that was because he’d mostly grown up a chubby, single child, Junod points out that Rogers found beauty in the number 143. According to the piece, Rogers came “to see that number as a gift… because, as he says, “the number 143 means ‘I love you.’ It takes one letter to say ‘I’ and four letters to say ‘love’ and three letters to say ‘you.’ One hundred and forty-three.”

4. He Saved Both Public Television and the VCR
Strange but true. When the government wanted to cut Public Television funds in 1969, the relatively unknown Mister Rogers went to Washington. Almost straight out of a Capra film, his 5-6 minute testimony on how TV had the potential to give kids hope and create more productive citizens was so simple but passionate that even the most gruff politicians were charmed. While the budget should have been cut, the funding instead jumped from $9 to $22 million. Rogers also spoke to Congress, and swayed senators into voting to allow VCR’s to record television shows from the home. It was a cantankerous debate at the time, but his argument was that recording a program like his allowed working parents to sit down with their children and watch shows as a family.

5. He Might Have Been the Most Tolerant American Ever
Mister Rogers seems to have been almost exactly the same off-screen as he was onscreen. Despite being an ordained Presbyterian minister, and a man of tremendous faith, Mister Rogers preached tolerance first. Whenever he was asked to castigate non-Christians or gays for their differing beliefs, he would instead face them and say, with sincerity, “God loves you just the way you are.” Often this provoked ire from fundamentalists.

6. He Was Genuinely Curious about Others
Mister Rogers was known as one of the toughest interviews because he’d often befriend reporters, asking them tons of questions, taking pictures of them, compiling an album for them at the end of their time together, and calling them after to check in on them and hear about their families. He wasn’t concerned with himself, and genuinely loved hearing the life stories of others. Amazingly, it wasn’t just with reporters. Once, on a fancy trip up to a PBS exec’s house, he heard the limo driver was going to wait outside for 2 hours, so he insisted the driver come in and join them (which flustered the host). On the way back, Rogers sat up front, and when he learned that they were passing the driver’s home on the way, he asked if they could stop in to meet his family. According to the driver, it was one of the best nights of his life—the house supposedly lit up when Rogers arrived, and he played jazz piano and bantered with them late into the night. Further, like with the reporters, Rogers sent him notes and kept in touch with the driver for the rest of his life.

7. He was Color-blind
Literally. He couldn’t see the color blue. Of course, he was also figuratively color-blind, as you probably guessed. As were his parents who took in a black foster child when Rogers was growing up.

8. He Could Make a Subway Car full of Strangers Sing
Once while rushing to a New York meeting, there were no cabs available, so Rogers and one of his colleagues hopped on the subway. Esquire reported that the car was filled with people, and they assumed they wouldn’t be noticed. But when the crowd spotted Rogers, they all simultaneously burst into song, chanting “It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood.” The result made Rogers smile wide.

A few other things:

9. He got into TV because he hated TV. The first time he turned one on, he saw people angrily throwing pies in each other’s faces. He immediately vowed to use the medium for better than that. Over the years he covered topics as varied as why kids shouldn’t be scared of a haircut, or the bathroom drain (because you won’t fit!), to divorce and war.

10. He was an Ivy League Dropout. Rogers moved from Dartmouth to Rollins College to pursue his studies in music.

11. He composed all the songs on the show, and over 200 tunes.

12. He was a perfectionist, and disliked ad libbing. He felt he owed it to children to make sure every word on his show was thought out.

13. Michael Keaton got his start on the show as an assistant– helping puppeteer and operate the trolley.

14. Several characters on the show are named for his family. Queen Sara is named after Rogers’ wife, and the postman Mr. McFeely is named for his maternal grandfather who always talked to him like an adult, and reminded young Fred that he made every day special just by being himself. Sound familiar? It was the same way Mister Rogers closed every show.

15. The sweaters. Every one of the cardigans he wore on the show had been hand-knit by his mother.

New Abortion Bill to Require Fetal Consent

New Abortion Bill To Require Fetal Consent

John Rambo Trailer

Here's trailer to the long-awaited sequel to everyone's favorite action movie. I don't know about you but I already pre-ordered, horrible wig aside.

Griffith Park Fire Aftermath

Found via Dethroner. Those of us in Southern California saw Griffith Park burn to the ground a couple weeks ago. One man was quick enough to show us some photos from the aftermath. Gruesome, indeed.

Priceless Shot of the Day

Click for a clearer picture.

Louis C.K. on His Kids

I've posted a Louis C.K. clip way back and I thought I'd do it again. This is from his HBO special, Shameless. This is where Louis discusses how much he loves his children, in that typical Louis fashion. I love this guy.

It's Like Netflix For Chick Crap

Found via Bargaineering.com, this product astounds me. Bag Borrow or Steal is a website that allows people to borrow purses and jewelery for a monthly fee. So when you're tired of your purse, send it back, and they'll send you a new one. Obvious purse jokes aside, I wonder what kind of other products could use this business model. Here's a bit more info:

Bag, Borrow or Steal was started by a couple guys who saw how much time, money, and energy their wives were spending on finding purses and handbags that matched their wardrobe. You pay $10 a month and then a per-item weekly fee but you get to borrow all sorts of stuff. A quick look on their site saw four levels of membership, based on the quality of the goods (Couture, Diva, Princess, Trendsetter) with membership fees ranging from $20/mo to $175/mo.

Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Emotions

Found via the Onion, this one wouldn't be so funny if it wasn't so believable. Read on to find out how scientists discovered the new emotions, "requiapathy," "seprudity," and "trepatiousness." I promise, you'll laugh.

KANSAS CITY, MO—Scientists at Hallmark Cards' Center for the Research and Development of Sentiments announced Monday that they had discovered three previously unknown emotions that can be experienced by human beings and captured on a folded piece of card stock.

"These new Hallmark-brand feelings will fill a void that has too long persisted in the consumable pleasantries market," said Hallmark president and CEO Don Hall, Jr., speaking to reporters in front of a watercolor backdrop of tulips beside a pond. "They will add a whole new level of complexity and nuance to the way we humans relate to one another, and will fill in any gaps left by our 'Thinking of You' and 'Just Because' categories."

The first emotion the project successfully isolated was "requiapathy," the combination of relief and guilt that comes with the sudden realization that you no longer miss a dead loved one. That discovery quickly led to the uncovering of "seprudity," the feeling of appreciating a coworker's dedication without fully understanding his or her job function, and "trepatiousness," a synthesis of rage and jealousy, though more muted and often accompanied by a sensation of weight-lessness.

"[Trepatiousness] appears to be a very rare emotion, almost exclusively experienced while in a dream state," said principal investigator Dr. Susan McMurrough, a leader in the field of keepsake science best known for her work on the revolutionary "Blank Inside" line of cards. "The only way to activate it during waking hours, in fact, is with a combination of reds, oranges, and drowsy beagles in top hats."

The three emotions represent the latest discovery in the center's ongoing Emotions Mapping Project, a $42.4 million effort to identify and codify all of the mental and physiological states generated within the human psyche that are not currently covered by Hallmark's extensive line of greeting cards and collectible ornaments.

In 2002, McMurrough monitored the MRI activity of nearly 10,000 test subjects between the ages of 25 and 40 as they described all emotions they had experienced in the past six months and rated each for its intensity, duration, and whether it would be conveyable to others by mail. To identify targets of further study, McMurrough's team referenced that data against a matrix of all possible combinations of the neurotransmitters that catalyze human emotion.

"Until now, millions of people worldwide were forced to express their sincere and heartfelt requiapathy, seprudity, and trepatiousness with clumsy words and gestures," Hall said. "Our colorful and succinct messages will spare them countless hours of inconvenience and potential misunderstandings."

After a second group of Hallmark scientists successfully replicated the initial study's results, the sentiments were immediately submitted to the U.S. Patent Office and rushed to Hallmark headquarters, where writers, illustrators, and graphic designers interpreted the new emotions in warm, concise verse; inoffensive, ingratiating humor; and reassuring pastel watercolors.

"This research is not only groundbreaking—it's inspirational," said Mallory Jefson, a writer for Hallmark's Best Wishes department, who added that the emotions have led them to creative heights not reached since Secretaries Day became Administrative Professionals Day in 2000. In a single day of brainstorming, Jefson and her colleagues developed 15 seprudity-based card concepts that incorporated cats in sunglasses, and 22 new coffee mugs featuring the tart-tongued, post-menopausal character Maxine expressing requiapathy.

The Hallmark laboratories have been at the forefront of the greeting card sciences since the '40s. Their work has led to the creation of eight federally recognized holidays, the specification of a time frame in which someone ought to get well, and over a dozen flower and cursive-font combinations that, sales figures show, have effectively conveyed the complex emotional and psychological states of an estimated 185 million Americans.

Let's Go On a Date!

Found via the Phat Phree, this Casanova will walk you through what looks to be the perfect date. He comes up with some good ideas.

If you're an attractive woman who is sick and tired of bad dates, then I'm sorry to hear that. Anyway, I think we should go on a date because I'm a really great guy. I know that's hard to tell from reading a personal ad so I thought maybe I'd walk you through what an evening with me entails. Just to warn you though, it's pretty steamy!

First off, some overprotective asshole from Social Services and I will swing by the bus stop closest to your house to pick you up. You sit next to me even though stupid Richard (from Social Services) instructs you to scream if I try to bite you or ask for drugs. From there, guess where we're going? The Zoo! Isn't that great? (Answer: Yes). Even though Richard will be creeping behind us the whole time, we can go see whatever animals you want to see. Want to see some baboons? Done. Bats? Let's do it. Horses? I can't because the manager of the zoo feels threatened by my knowledge of them, but how about some zebras?

At lunch we'll go to a concession stand and eat brisquet sandwiches and I'll do this great joke where I spread bbq sauce on my face to look like sideburns and then I dry hump a garbage can. Shortly after that, stupid Richard will make me eat a sedative because he can't tell the difference between a crowd applauding and a crowd screaming in fear.

If you're a fan of slapstick comedy, you'll love this one bit that I do where I wake up way too early from the sedative and try to bite Richard before he uses a taser to shock me back into a urine-soaked slumber.

If you don't mind waiting a few hours, I'll wake up from my comatose state and immediately try to throw Richard out of the moving van. He'll try in vain to taser me again, but the battery will have run out and Richard will curse and wish aloud that he hadn't used it earlier to stop me from handing this alligator a letter I had written.

Once Richard is kicked out of the van, that's when the date gets really mature. We'll be on our way to a romantic evening complete with candles, intercourse, and homemade wine (boiled water with potpourri). We'll go someplace really sexy like The Olive Garden and I will tell this hilarious joke where I eat so much never-ending pasta that I throw up noodles into the fake plants that line the windows.

If you like sensitive guys, then get ready because around 9pm I'll crash from my manic state and then start crying and screaming at a pile of pasta that I've crudely fashioned into a bust of my dad. Then I'll set it up so I purposely get caught masturbating outside by the dumpsters. I'll act surprised and embarrassed, but on the inside, I'll be giggling because I knew that they were going to be throwing out the garbage around then.

That's basically it I think. Bring condoms or foil. Also, we can watch a movie depending on whether or not I can manage to hammer open the padlock my grandma keeps on the television. I know, it sounds like a blast! Email me and I'll let you know what time I'll pick you up. (I'll be on the Big Blue Bus sitting four rows back) Also, I panic and scream when I see the color "orange."

Hope to hear from you soon!

Subway's Jared a Porn King?

Found via UNEASYsilence, apparently Jared from Subway used to run a porn shop, according to Best Week Ever.

Wait for it...

I guess he's always had a thing for foot-longs. ZING!

Here's the story:

Before he became a poster child for weight loss, the affable Subway spokestool once ran a adult film emporium from his bedroom, reports Best Week Ever. His collection was said to be "vast and extensive," and rental rates were hard to beat -- a dollar a day per vid. "People would come from all over to take advantage of the deal," according to BWE's source.

The same source snitches that the real reason Jared started eating Subway wasn't motivated by health concerns, but sheer laziness. Turns out that Subway happened to open a franchise on the ground floor of his dorm, so it was the closest fast-food joint to Jared's XXX lair.

We called a Subway rep, who said that the company has no knowledge of the story and that Jared was "unavailable." The rep also pointed out that legends have sprung up from time to time about Jared, including one that he'd died.

I Must Be Emo

I heard about this on the radio this morning. I never new emo kids were so motivated! I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

White Chicks and Gang Signs

Thanks to Debbye for pointing me to this video. It just goes to show you, white people acting like black people will never, EVER get old. Hell, Jamie Kennedy has made a career out of it. And let us not forget the Steve Martin fiasco.

PSotD: Southern Belles

Dethroner said it best, "Big sun hats, a case of Natty Lite, and a line in front of the shitter. I declare!"

Tool Concert Tonight

I'm going to see Tool tonight in San Diego. That's right, I know you're jealous. I've only been dying to see these guys for 10 years, no pressure. So, in celebration, here's a great unofficial video for my favorite song, The Pot.

Self Cleaning Toilet

Thanks to my friend Sasha for this find. Great commercial. Not to mention, I want one.

Morning Chuckle: Is That Compliment Real?

Am I the only one who really wants to hear the story about the Hungry Hungry Hippo?

Is That Compliment Real?